I don't know if this will even help
Alright, so I'm told that writing out my thoughts will help when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have no idea where to start, my mind is everywhere. I think its better for me to focus on my day-to-day, current issues than to bring up the past of how, what, where, when, why it all happened in the first place but I'm clear that I've been experiencing panic attacks, anxiety and some attention deficiency. So today will be the beginning of documenting the events of whatever I'm going through.
Wasn't able to fall asleep until 8.30am this morning. I kept feeling like my chest is tight and clenched. It's similar to feeling heartbroken. I couldn't really breathe right, I felt nauseous. Was there anything wrong with me physically? Probably just a congested nose. I managed to catch a nap and awoke at 11.00am, in time to get myself ready for lunch with Aunty Jess & Sansan. Washed up, fed my Burger, headed out to Dynasty Dragon at Atria. The state of Atria mall was disheartening, even Daiso could not survive. Lunch was pretty delicious, but the utensils weren't well maintained, dirty even. Aunty Jess was ranting about how mum kept forcing ideals on her again, and they were trying to understand what put mum in such an absurd state of mind. Beats me, I wouldn't have so many issues if I knew why and how to handle it. Of course I had my part to rant, but it wasn't anything new. Just the same occurrences. It was hard to keep up the energetic healthy niece persona.
The boyfriend woke up and didn't go to work today. The moment he told me that he's working from home, I already knew I'd have to be lonely tonight. I don't really know where to put my finger on how I feel about this. Expected? Disappointed? Hurt? Probably. Do I want to do anything about it? Am I mad at him? Probably not. It's not up to me to control him. I understand that space is necessary for a relationship to be healthy. Also, I'm afraid that he'll feel sick and tired of me. I know it happens for people who aren't attached to their partners. He's told me to tell him when I need him, he'd be there but I've been refused several times. I don't know if I have the courage to be thick-skinned enough to do it again. Am I too clingy? Probably. Feels like I'm avoiding a conversation with him despite feeling the need to communicate. Just don't know how to talk without having my feelings rendered invalid.
I came home around 3.30pm. Was worn out as hell, but I couldn't seem to rest. Went to join the Noods for some minecraft, had some fun temporarily until the server died. Got hungry around 6.00pm, made some noodles but I lost appetite when it was served in front of me. Tried to just shove it in, but ended up puking my guts out. Is my eating disorder coming back due to all the stress and anxiety I'm experiencing? Maybe. I'm not sure anymore. I hate it, I don't know why I just can't get over it even though I try. Got really drowsy after all the puking, but lying down made it feel worse, so I just stoned myself until 8.00pm-ish and dozed off. Promised my friends for some games later.
Well, I sucked at games tonight. I couldn't focus, and brought the team down again and again. No wonder people don't play with me. I probably won't even wanna play with myself. I am trying really hard to be better though. The boyfriend tried to help me improve out of goodness, but I'm not someone who can improve by being questioned, so I had him give up on trying. I don't think that encouraging the boyfriend to give up on me is the right move for a relationship... Stupid even. But I'm already in the shittiest state of mind, I cannot handle a sudden interrogation. I cannot handle that he's frustrated with me. Even though gaming is my only excuse to spend time with him when we're apart, it makes me anxious that he harbours frustration when we play. I'm scared to upset my friends who plays together too. I don't want to quit but yet I'm frightened.
I'm afraid of everything. Is there a way to care less?
And its hard to always seem okay.